- Meiko -
I don't know what to call this state I'm in. I feel like I'm in a big transparent plastic bubble all the time, I'm moving with time but I don't feel the interaction with anything around me. At the same time I'm nauseated as the bubble rolls and tumbles in its path. Like zorbing but without the fun.
Two weeks ago, my Dad's car got stolen, and last night, our house in Miri got broken into. The burglers waited for the right time to strike, the only evening that the house is unoccupied and they know what they're looking for. Fortunately Mom is a master in hiding things, the damage is minimal. The most valuable must be an antique Iban headgear and accessories she's been preciously keeping, handed down from generation to generation. But more importantly, nobody's hurt. I called her, I can sense her calm nerves faced with situations like this. It's amazing how she does that every time. When I asked her if she's OK, she said she's just fine and she just needs to go through everything to find out what else is missing. She doesn't waste time to mull around.
And yet, for me, something IS missing. The last week has been a blur. I sleep or am awake at odd hours. I'm in endless torpor. My first proper meal was Friday lunch. I don't know what I've been eating otherwise. Everything is falling in place beautifully but I'm not feeling it. Not as much as I should. Could it also be....guilt? Guilt that my Mom has to go through all that and I'm here, being on the other end of the spectrum, planets align for me?
I have to pry open and step out of this stupid bubble before I suffocate. The air is beginning to turn stale already.
I need my Swiss Army knife.
If only I can find it.
I don't know what to call this state I'm in. I feel like I'm in a big transparent plastic bubble all the time, I'm moving with time but I don't feel the interaction with anything around me. At the same time I'm nauseated as the bubble rolls and tumbles in its path. Like zorbing but without the fun.
Two weeks ago, my Dad's car got stolen, and last night, our house in Miri got broken into. The burglers waited for the right time to strike, the only evening that the house is unoccupied and they know what they're looking for. Fortunately Mom is a master in hiding things, the damage is minimal. The most valuable must be an antique Iban headgear and accessories she's been preciously keeping, handed down from generation to generation. But more importantly, nobody's hurt. I called her, I can sense her calm nerves faced with situations like this. It's amazing how she does that every time. When I asked her if she's OK, she said she's just fine and she just needs to go through everything to find out what else is missing. She doesn't waste time to mull around.
And yet, for me, something IS missing. The last week has been a blur. I sleep or am awake at odd hours. I'm in endless torpor. My first proper meal was Friday lunch. I don't know what I've been eating otherwise. Everything is falling in place beautifully but I'm not feeling it. Not as much as I should. Could it also be....guilt? Guilt that my Mom has to go through all that and I'm here, being on the other end of the spectrum, planets align for me?
I have to pry open and step out of this stupid bubble before I suffocate. The air is beginning to turn stale already.
I need my Swiss Army knife.
If only I can find it.
3 comments:
Aku Zzzzz kat dibah ariya :(
I am so sorry to read this - your parents must be anxious. But I can definitely see where you get your Zen attitude from - I think you would cope exactly as your Mom does in her situation. You are the most earthed and 'here and now' person I have ever met, notwithstanding the monks and nuns :)
Thought of you very much today, watching Paul. I didn't have to wish you were there. You just were.
Jane: It's alright, nobody's fault bah. And nobody's hurt.
Shai: Looking forward to catching up with many, many movies together when I get back! :)
And thanks you two XOXO
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